21, Nigerian and Tired

Hello,

You're welcome to everything fabulous with Mo. It's been a long while. Right now it doesn't feel like everything is fabulous. The truth is I’m tired.

This might sound like a rant, but I’m just really tired. This year feels like an aftermath of a disaster, I’m feeling so many things at once.

There’s this sadness that’s starting to feel perpetual and these days I don’t want to be alone with myself. I’m happy when I’m distracted from my sadness, but the moment I can’t distract myself I feel everything in a hundred folds.

What exactly is this life?

I’m tired of eating and I like food. And I’m always hungry, but food is not appealing these days.

Sometimes, I think money is my major problem but even when I have a little money I just spend it on getting things to make myself feel better.

Big deal you’re tired and broke everyone else is. Why are you complaining?

Well I have money I don't need sometimes and I'm not exactly happy. Just safe.

First, I’m sad. I’ve spent major parts of this year navigating being alive. And I hate it here.

This is not how I imagined my twenties will be. When I was eight years old, I always looked forward to being twenty-one. Everyone I met at that age looked like they had their life in order.

Then I clocked twenty-one years in the middle of a pandemic 😂😂😂.

All the plans I had for that age in the mud.😂😂😂

A year later and I'm still twenty-one. I don't know how to move on from my plans not going how it should be. And my life feels like anything but order right now.

I'm twenty-one, Nigerian and just navigating what it means to be alive.

The fact that I'm a Nigerian living in Nigeria is a reason for my anger. I wake up every morning hoping things will be better but no, the Nigerian government finds new ways to frustrate you. I

I can't party late because there's insecurity and I don't want to be robbed.

I can't go on the road trips I've planned with my friends because I don't want to be kidnapped. If I'm kidnapped, there's nobody to pay my ransom.

Have I mentioned that food is expensive? Food items are almost three times the prices of what they used to be.

It's even annoying to be a student. I'll talk about it another time.

What's more? More and more people are getting unemployed daily. People are suffering but the people in high places turn a blind eye. They are more concerned about the money going into their pockets. Everything is suffocating.

I just want to escape from my body, Have fun and come back. I need a vacation from my life because everything gives me anxiety these days.

Right now, I'm just going to walk around and look for fried fish, that sound appealing.